Rewind... Please~

its been a long time since i post here, due to lack of time and connection..
and, sedar tak sedar, its been a year since i got out of school...
but, the catalyst that made me write this was,
seeing 'their' relation/communication in Fb...
Az and Iron...
I could still remember what Iron did to my friend..
and what Az said about Iron...
maybe they made up...
i wouldnt know..
its been 1 year..
anything could had happened...
and eventhough im happy,
Iron's out of school too now...
but his house is still near the school...
he could go there anytime...
Az even posted on how it hurts being faithful to someone, but then theyre gone...
that was how i felt, and how i feel even now...
i could say anything,
even had said that i would forget them..
but theyre the first one's that i had connected my heart with...
guess that was my fault...
when i knew i had just a little time left,
i still went on with it...
now im like an addict,
cut off from his source,
only getting glimpse of the addiction...
SyAz.....

how i wish i could turn back time....

The Melodramatic Drama of a Smartass~

Kebelakangan ni dh jd minggu apply biasiswa buat aku....
And sambil apply2 ni,
Byklha perbincangan yg berlaku..
Basically about
" nak apply apa ni? "
"U mana yg best?"
"Course apa yg bagus?"
"Yg jamin masa depan?"
"Yg dpat gaji byk?"
"Biasiswa apa yg dh open?"
"Biasiswa tu offer untuk course apa?"
Dan mcm2 lg lha....
Smpaikn rmai terfikir,
Dpat straight A ni lg menyusahkan dari menyenangkan....

Waktu UPSR dulu,
Dpat straight A,
Takyah fikir apa2,
Cuma try apply asrama je,
Tp nanti blajar,
Sama je,
So tak tensyen sgt...

Form1 form2,
Blaja main2,
Bru habis big exam kan?
Mesti nak rileks dulu..
Mmg form 3 ada PMR,
Tp, fikir lambat lg..
So rileks je la...

Masuk form 3,
Baru start blaja serious skit...
Sambil tu dpat pendedahan,
After PMR boleh pilih course,
Sma ada arts takpun science...
Klau nak jd doktor/engineer,
Wajib science stream,
Tp science stream hnya utk yg dpt score PMR..

That was the time yg started evrything..
Since time tu, I still havent decided what I wanted to be when I grow up...
Tp people around me kept on pushing me to go to science stream..
"Peluang banyak"
"Kerja bagus"
"Boleh pilih apa2 kerja"
"Arts stream utk budak2 kurang cerdik je"
Was some of the reasons I was told to go to science stream..
And with that mentality,
I studied hard..
And Alhamdulillah,
I got 7A 1B..
Which was good enough to enter science stream...

Waktu form 4,
Ada je my friends yg tukar dr science stream to accounting,
But I thought,
"Takde bezanya, kan?"
So I continued on science stream..
With people telling me to study hard,
SPM is for my future,
SPM bagus, boleh apply apa2 ja...
SPM bagus, biasiswa senang dpt...
With all the same reasons,
I was still pressured to study well...

Then dapat masuk sekolah sains,
Lagi lha high pressure, kn?
Sekolah sains utk budak2 pandai ja...
So, i was inclinedto prove,
That I was worthy of the school...

So I studied,
And studied,
And studied...

Until my SPM results came out,
I got 9A's....

So, this is it, right?
I can be anything I want?
I can apply for anything?
My road is open wide?

Wrong.

With this result,
You are expected to be a doctor,
Or an engineer,
Or a scientist..

Choosing to be a teacher,
Or an artist,
Or open up a cafe,
Is considered 'wasteful of your talent'...

"Oh, you still can choose other courses...
No, not Psychology...
You wont get good jobs...
Eventhough it is your passion"

So, there goes my dreams...
I cant be a Psychologist, because I wont get a good job...
I cant be a Teacher, because it is a waste of talent...
I can only be what society wants me to be,
What society thinks I should choose..
What society'thinks' I deserve...

Not what I want to be,
Not what I have passion in,
Not what I think I deserve..

Apparently, society knows me better than myself...

So, if this is what getting good grades bring,
What was the point of me studying?
If all the promises I was told,
Was all damn lies?
Where is the "you can be anything you want" ?

When people say,
Lucky you, you can choose anything,
In my heart i say,
Its not true...

Getting good grades narrows down my choice greatly....

Atleast,
If my grades werent that good,
Im able to scope it down according to entry requirements..

So now,
A couple of friends and I,
All we can do now is bury our unattainable dreams,
And follow society's choice for us...
The quote
"Choose a job you like, and it would be your hobby"
Drifting far away,
As we choose jobs that we have to bear through...

My mom keeps on telling me,
To take oil and gas,
I said no,
Saying that i dont want to work in the middle of the seas,
Or in the middle of nowhere...
Saying that it would be boring...
She said
You work there, save up your money, and when you go to KL, have fun with your mountain of cash...

But really, what I mean when I say boring, is the job itself...
I know nothing about oil and gas,
I dont find it thrilling,
And I couldnt care less about the heaps of money I'll get...

Im able to tolerate mech. Engineering,
Because there is a chance Icould work on things I like,
Such as gadgets or such...
But not in oil and gas...
But mother keeps on insisting about it,
Eventhough shehad said once,
You choose your future yourself...

So, getting straight A's is not what we have thought it would be..
Unless for those who are already clear on what they want to be...
But for us, who are still unclear..
Our road is still far ahead....

Minggu kebahagiaan~

So, this past week had been a great week for me..

Got straight A's for my SPM results,
Alhamdulillah..
And most of my friends did great too,
Whatever it is that they got,
Im proud of them~

But, as my posts usually goes,
Most of my happiness came from them...
SyAz...
Since I had to go back to penang to take my results,
I had the chance to meet them again..
And the few days beforemthe big day,
While people was worrying about their results,
I was thinking about our little reunion...
I even went and buy gifts for them,
Using my own money~
It was a teddy bear and self made keychains~
And Sy got an extra Japanese novel, because he was searching for one before...

I was able to give Sy his gift by hand,
But in all the havocness of the day,
I was unable to chat with him for a long time...
He wanted to see my results,
So I went back into the hall to take it from my mom,
But when I got back out,
He was gone...
I was sad,
But I didnt know he was too...
He misses me as much as I missed him..
Okay, maybe not that much, but still...

For Az,
I chose to place the gift at his locker, in his dorm...
Because I thought I wont be able to see him...
But then, when I was in the teachers lounge,
I saw him entering...
And I literally had to kneel....
Seeing him shocked me so much,
I felt like crying...
But,
I only watched him from afar...
He seemed busy,
So I didnt want to disturb him...

Then, last night,
I chatted with Sy..
He told me how sad he was,
That he couldnt talk to me longer,
And that he was happy for the gift..
It made my day then,
I was grinning so much,
My parents and my aunt and uncle must have thought I went crazy, or sumthin..

Then,
At midnight,
I saw that Az was online...
But I chose not to chat with him...
Somehow,
I've created this mental image,
That he was annoyed by me,
So I have always created a distance between us..
I guess thts the real reason why I didnt want to give the gift by hand..
But suddenly,
He said hi through the chat...
I was elated~
I talked to him abit,
He said thanks for the gift..

Then Ive gotten to know that he chatted with Fwz a bit,
So I asked Fwz abt it,
And he said,
"Dia kta dia rindu kt hng, tp skit je... rindu gak ah tu..."
My heart felt like it was going to explode~
I kept on biting my pillow,
Trying to calm myself....

Best part of all that,
Is that the promise,
That I would see them again,
On the 5th of April,
And tht I would sleep at the hostel,
So that I could have more time to chatt with them..
This plan must happen...
It must!!
Hopefully....

Ps: since theyre in the dance troop, they would be doing a performance on the Hari Kecemerlangan Academik... I miss seeing them dance alot....

Crazy Crazy~

So, lgi berberapa hari lg nk ambik result....
Damn.....
Never knew it would be this quick....
Hadiah untuk SyAz pun tk beli lg......
Taktau nk beli apa untk Az...
Dpat pulak Haziq ajak tido kt asrama the day b4 result....
Nak join, tapi......
Boleh ke?
Lagi best klau Fawwaz ada....
Bleh ajak dia buat balik aktiviti rhsia kitorg....
Hah!
Toksah dok pikir pelik2 naa....
Lepak dgan junior ja.....
Haha....
Dah la dorm Az aras bwh skali....
Bruno kata,
'Jom lha, dh la dorm kita (ex dorm) aras bwh....'
Aku tk trpikir pun psal dorm tu....
Otak otomatik akan ingat dorm Az.....
Dpan je pun....
Tp, dorm Sy aras atas skali lak.....
Jauhnya... -_-

Lg satu cerita mnarik,
MD dh pindah skolah.....
Masuk MCKK....
He does seems MCKK material....
Dpat tau lg, klau tk this year dia debater english....
Waaahhhhh.....l
Kenapa tk last year??
Bleh lepak skali.....
Tkpun klau this year dia tk pindah,
Bleh jumpa kt SMSSelangor....
Haishhhh.....
Nasib, nasib.....
Siapa MD?
Tknak gitau~ :P
Bhaya oh klau tau....
Tk rmai yg tau siapa MD nih....
Klau dpat teka/siasat,
Rahsia kay??
Maklumlha,
Keje aku kt skolah dulu spy/stalk org ja....
Tak kesah laki pompuan...
Asal ada hotcer,
Mesti diselongkar.... :P
Klah gadis2 di luar sana...
Ahahaha~
Lagi skali,
Jgan pikir lain naaa~

Nak tau siapa yg slalu distalk?
Ini nicknames mereka
(Bagi mejaga privasi mangsa2... ahahaha~)

MD
Iron
SyAz (wajibb~)
Battery
Jannah (bkan yg form 5 tu.....)
Runner
Model
Librarian
Dan ramai lagi...

Adakah anda distalk?
Mungkin, mungkin tidak...
Ahahaha....
Siapa dpat teka semua yg di atas,
Hadiah tk berapa lumayan menanti anda....
Ohohoho....

Dh lha,
Bila dh mula merapu ni,
Time to stopp....
Malam ni tetiba dpat mood Kiah Propa..
Ahahaha~

Goodnyte~

(Ps: klau nk bygkan gelak Ahahaha tu cmna, I gelak mcam Kwanghee, kay? Tak kenal?
Google/Youtube lerhh..... kbai~)

What to do~

Im thinking of buying Sy and Az gifts for the day we ( possibly ) meet again,
As a ( so-called ) parting gift,
And while I already know what to buy for Sy,
I cant think of anything to buy for Az.....
It just shows how much I dont know about him....

For Sy,
Im thinking of buying him a japanese beginner novel,
Since during the last day we hung together,
He asked me where he could find one,
But for Az,
I have totally no idea,
Even though I spent about 4 to 5 months with him....

Wanted to ask Manjong,
But he rarely goes on9 nowadays...
And that day,
When I texted with Fawwaz,
I also wanted to ask him,
But since the topic of juniors never came up,
I decided against asking him...
Im afraid that maybe he just managed to get AA out of his mind,
And me asking him will bring it back....

So im just gonna wait for Fawwaz to come out of PLKN,
And maybe ask him and Manjong again,
Because I know Manjong observed us a lot,
So he must know something suitable,
Eventhough at first he would surely give out weird, radical suggestions....

So I'll just have to wait and see...

( maybe I'll check Az's FB for clues.... stalker mode activate! )

Insert Random Title Here~

Since I created my Instagram,
There's been a couple of pics of them I uploaded there,
And since I connected it with my facebook,
It was for everyone to see...

I uploaded My latest pic of them( shown at the bottom ),
Stating that I cant wait to see them later this month ( i hope...)

The reason I uploaded the pic was actually because,
This past weekend was a PBM weekend,
So there was a chance for them to see that pic....

But, actually,
I was afraid that it was borderline obsessive stalker-ish...
Since that pic was not (exactly) mine,
But was found on my teacher's FB....

And it even brought up a small conversation I had with one of my friend...
( not gonna tell who~)
She asked,
" siapa yg belah kanan tu?"
My answer,
" Mohd Azam bin Zainondin (Az), satu kelas dgn Sy, dorm S6, dpan my dorm"
(Yes, I knew his full name, due to my stalking + obsession thing going on..)
Then she asked,
"Dia orphan kan?"
My immediate reaction in my mind was,
"WTF??! I dont think so... is it true?? Why havent I heard of it?? Damn..."
But after a while and after asking others,
It turned out she misheard....

But the main point of all that was,
How I had a mental breakdown bcause of him...
I still care of him,
And needed to know (mostly) everything about him...
And how if it was true,
( the story up there )
Im really a bad senior + self proclaim brother of his,
For not knowing these things....
Its a good thing my parents didnt see me having the breakdown....

After a few comments of relief,
She asked me,
" dia fav junior kau eh? "
Which I replied it with,
"He is one of them.."
And she said,
" i know.. i read ur blog..."
(Thanks again 4 reading this shitty blog... :] )
I was really embarrassed,
Because most of my post have become stalker-ish and obssessive....
Which she answered with a simple,
"Nk malu buat apa? Blog kita, sukahati la nk tulis apa..."

So thats why my post today seems a little bit free-er....

So thank you for making me braver to post whatever I want,
And sorry for writing bout the incident there...... XP

With that,
Im gonna stay obssessive stalkerish until it dies out....

Insert Arrows Through Heart~

On the way home today,
I suddenly remembered about my last day with them...
I dont know why,
But my heart felt like it was shot,
Just when its starting to heal....

So, when I reached home,
I immediately searched for my journal/diary from 2012,
Which was filled with stories of them...
Reading back,
I felt a surge of emotions going through me,
Remembering back when I wrote it,
How I felt then,
And what it was all about...

Then,
I remembered a promise I made to my friends,
That I would publish it on my blog...
So Im gonna write it as a new post,
With some alterations,
Basically fixing the grammars, and filling in some empty spots....

Hopefully...